A title is a title

Life has so many paths and I believe there are no wrong paths, no wrong people and no bad experiences. People are people, paths are paths, and experiences are experiences.

They are all here for a purpose, maybe my confusion has a purpose too?


Feeling lost

i suddenly feel lost

again? no, it’s different.

i know the way, i think i do

but i am too scared to keep going. what if i have to continue on my own?

i feel homesick, i don’t want to keep moving, i just want to be home.

i do not want to feel anything

suddenly it is all too much for me. i dont want to feel anything, but safe

i want to feel safe. i don’t want change, i want to feel safe. i am tired i want to rest, but i am also scared, i can’t rest.

it is like going through a road that has been lit by me and others who were beside me every step of the way, and suddenly it feels like i have to continue on my own. do i choose to continue or do i take the road back again looking for home.

do i stay here at the latest lamp and camp till morning? or do i keep moving restless till i find my comfort zone. i did not know where i was going, but felt safe because i was not alone. i don’t want answers, for now i just want to feel safe.

Watch out it’s a trap!

I know how this game works now

Here you are trying to get me to fall into one of your traps

your twisted manipulative game

“if you do not listen to me, I will give you the silent treatment –

i will not “love” you

I’m not a child anymore, however this trick still seems to get to me sometimes.

I know very well that my worth does not depend on one person to accept me (even if it is my parent)

I am worthy with and without your acceptance of what I do and who I am, your disapproval means nothing to me anymore

That’s what I think but is it what I believe?

Destructive parents do not only upset their children, but on the long run they destroy their sense of self worth.

down a rabbit hole


keeping communication to the bare minimum,
wanting to stay isolated.
wishing there was a day between the day and the other, a hidden place, an extra day,
a rabbit hole
where I can sleep in and not exist.
some space where it’s void, stay in complete nothingness and silence.
why do I insist on abusing myself?
we deserve to rest, we deserve to give ourselves a break,
a break even from our own selves. 

being lonely has always been my foe, to be left alone with my thoughts and self, I would always try to avoid it. the tyranny of the inner voices, and I have learned to absolutely comply with what they say, showing no signs of resistance.
now though sometimes I seem to choose to stay with them, listen to them, and let them drag me down the abyss.


caged bird

i am so sorry for having you caged up
i have lost the keys somewhere
i am so sorry
i know you are still there
i am so sorry you have to endure all the pain
all the hate
i cant believe you have endured all this time by yourself, alone in the dark
i am so sorry
i am here but i can’t seem to reach you
i am so sorry please don’t be afraid
i hope you’re getting enough sunlight from time to time, i hope you’re getting some fresh air, some life that might have escaped and made it to you, through these thick walls of flesh and bones
i am so sorry for all the mean words i tell you
i am sorry for all the times i have let you down
knowing that you are always on your tiptoes trying to get any glimpse of life, i wish i could just let you out to play and see the world for yourself
and through yourself.

Dear My Aloe Vera Plant


eaten by rats
you have been struggling for over a month without a single drop of water.
i thought you were dead,
i gave up on you
i thought it was too late to save you.
i did not bother watering you, i told myself you are dead anyway
to my surprise i got into the balcony today only to see you green
still breathing
only a few leaves of you left, mostly bitten and withered
but still alive
how come i never saw this, i thought you can not live anymore with most of your leaves gone
i thought you can not be yourself anymore
you can be either “complete
or you’re dead to me
but who am i to make such a judgment?
i am so glad you proved me wrong
i am so sorry
even though i gave up on you, you still lived
and i am so glad you did

i am sorry


Hair brushes

having someone brush my hair always made me feel happy and safe and loved
i still remember every single time someone did my hair for me when i was little
i would ask people to do my hair for me
i used to ask my teacher to brush my hair so that i would agree to sit and finish my lessons
i used to ask my cousin when we were at grandma’s to do my hair then i would ask her if she could undo it and re do it again
i once asked Sawsan to braid my hair
i was so happy with them
i loved braids
i remember one time i asked my teacher to do my hair for me for the school year photo
i told her i was not happy with how my hair looked
and all she did was just put my hair up in the hairclip, a butterfly clip i brought from home
all year photos looked the same except that one
it felt different
i felt confident with how it looked that moment i stood in front of the camera